Mind Full Musings

Right now I am learning how to look at my life through a new lens, an integrated lens.

I've always been a very reasonable, optimistic person. This is certainly not a bad thing, but it has been an incomplete thing, an imbalanced thing that has stopped serving me and it's only looking at the bright side, always seeking the silver lining lopsidedness.

In 2020, much like many of us, I was dunked into the darkness,
shoved into the depths
forced into far reaching realms where optimism could not save me
the realms of rough ragged reality, painful to the senses, unending in its unprecedented-ness, undeniable in its realness.

Having been stripped of all of my shortcuts and cheats, my delusions and survival mechanisms, I realized something very interesting. What I was calling reasonable was actually pessimism. What I thought was optimism was actually a sneaky nihilism, an invasive core belief that

life can't help but be hard
things inherently suck
pain and injury are inevitable
I'll never really win
struggle is my inheritance

and so my job is to make the best of this shitty existence.

Girl, what!?